I would like to share an idea that is both profound and lifechanging. It is the idea that we often rob ourselves of true friendships through the projections that we make on others. However this idea of projection drops its hold over the person who is able to be aware of this idea as it acts out in his or her life. To free oneself from this projection is to allow true friendship to flourish.

Here are 3 reasons I have found this to be to be true.

1. Our needs

The most fundamental error in establishing connections with others is supposing that the person should think or at least act in a manner that is like ours, or at least in one that complements us.

It is when we attempt to shape how others are to suit ourselves that our friendships become damaging.  The reason for this is clear, since if we perceive others in terms of our own needs, people become a means to an end and under these terms no mutual friendship can flourish.

2. Damaging judgements

Judgements that we make on others, even if unconscious, create a rift between us and them. In the process of progressing a relationship or a friendship will deteriorate instead of becoming stronger if this rift remains.

Often these judgements can be small things like minor disagreements on opinions, but no matter how small, the ultimate effect is always large. These judgements always come through in subtle behaviour and cause tension that could be averted through bringing those judgements to the surface.

3. Generalisations from judgements

The result of placing our opinions and needs on others causes a distorted perception of them.  It is this distortion of their true self that makes true friendship impossible. These needs and judgements serve the needs of the ego and form false connections that can never last. In the process of bringing this to consciousness it is possible to discover how these generalisations shape our experiences in a negative light.

Have you ever noticed how sometimes your perception of a particular person changes after something they have said or done? This process of behaviour reveals that a generalisation was made — or at least we expected a person to act in a way that they did not. If our perception of others changes often this means that we do not know them, but often we continue to think in a mode that assumes we do know them.

Generalising the type of person is from one action for example, or a set of actions, often causes conflict and pain down the road. This is the exact process that occurs when two people get married too soon, or engage in a business agreement too soon, for example. Their expectations, needs, and generalisations cloud the true experience.

Once we recognize these generalisations it is possible to let go of false friendships and to recognize the true friendships in our lives.