The distance that we bring between ourselves and others is problematic when it forces us to focus on what is lacking in others rather than what is present and not seen. It is often that process of not seeing others in their true form that causes an inevitable sense of lacking to arise. If we lose track of those closest to us and their feelings, goals and dreams, then the level of connection becomes limited and often feels superficial.
The Pain Body in Relationships
The main obstacle limiting this level of connection is the pain body — the idea that others should meet the idea or notion we have of them attitude-wise and behaviour-wise. Most of the time a wife lies to a husband or a daughter lies to her parents it is because she fears being judged. The idea of being safe in a particular mode of existence makes it impossible to develop deeper connections with those who define us most. That definition is limiting – their expectations weigh us down.
Relationships exist in the centre-point of the above diagram. Often it is human nature to push that centre-point outward and to assume that their partner is a certain type of individual – whether that image comes about as a projection of their expectations or as an exaggeration of some other behaviour.
The strength of a connection in a relationship becomes dull when these expectations persist. I cannot convince someone to see me for who I am if that person has pre-decided to see me in a certain light based on previous beliefs, behaviour, and attitudes I might have expressed. The problem occurs with the freedom-principle and this is where the common notion of: to love someone, one must first let that person go comes from.
The Freedom Principle
The reason we sometimes find it easier to confide in strangers or to be more excited when meeting new people rather than catching up with our friends is that we tend to anticipate the reactions we can expect from those we know. On the other hand we have the feeling of newness when interacting with people that we cannot judge for the mere fact that we do not have enough information about them to judge them.
This same sense of freedom can be attained and expanded in friendships and relationships when we stop pinning them down to a particular type of exchange. See your significant other as you would see them for the first time. They have not changed at all since the first time you met them. Only your projections have changed.
In understanding this basic piece of wisdom it becomes clear that by making judgements on others to define them in a certain light we are closing off our connections to them. Here are 5 things that can be done to break free from these judgements and to see each other in a new light:
- Make time this week to go to a new place and do something new
- Do something unusual to break old habits
- Challange negative thinking patterns and "I should have known" moments
- Spend 5-10 minutes thinking about what your partner likes and dislikes
- Reflect on small changes in how your relationship has changed over time and the causes for this
To break free from the ego - or pain body - it is important to snap out of habits that force us to define ourselves and others using ideas that are limiting and negative. Consider how you define the relationship you have to others. Think about what you get out of it and what actions you take for your own benefit. Then think about which actions you take for the benefit of your partner and where the desire to do these things originates.
